there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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