Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
