Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
