I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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