47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
