You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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