I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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