A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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