The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
