i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
