I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
