Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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