So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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