new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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