I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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