Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
