So drunk, too bad you don't want this
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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