Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
