Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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