booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
