I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
