whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
