the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
