I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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