I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize