We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
