I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
