would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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