May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Found your dick twin last night
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
