Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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