my sisters under your porch take her home
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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