Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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