I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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