Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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