i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
