His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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