I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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