Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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