alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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