i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
