I puked a lego.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
