I wannas sexs uuuuu
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
