Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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