Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize