just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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