I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
