you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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