If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize