when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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