Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
