if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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