It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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