I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
