I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
