I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Randomize
