planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
