Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
