my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
