your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
