You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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