You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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